The Schmear Chronicles

SOFT-HITTING NEWS: IF IT'S NOT HERE WE DIDN'T COVER IT

Who Said It? Bernie, Larry Or Both?
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Larry David and Bernie Sanders have fused into one superhuman

When Saturday Night Live chose to satirize the Democratic debates this past weekend, they nailed it by having Larry David impersonate Bernie Sanders in a brilliant cold opening.

Larry Sanders. Bernie David. On Saturday night it was hard not to confuse the comedian and the candidate, or mash them in your mind into one gesticulating, white-haired, terse, kvetching blue suit of candor and charisma.

David all but jumped into Sanders’ body — with the help of a white comb over supplied by wardrobe — he captured the gravelly, staccato timbre of the Vermont senator’s voice and studded the sketch with classic Bernieisms. In inevitable L.D. fashion, David couldn’t resist peppering the sketch with a few Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm tailored jokes, but even then we felt the Bern.

Can you figure out who said the following statements?

“Enough with the hellos, let’s do this.”

Who said it: L.D.

“Money is pouring into these campaigns through super PACS.”

Who said it: B.S.

“If you don’t mind I’m gonna dial it right up to a 10! We’re doomed. We need a revolution.”

Who said it: L.D.

“Everyone needs a fair share. Not just the billionaires.”

Who said it: B.S.

“I’m good, I’m hungry, but I’m good.”

Who said it: L.D.

 “Do I consider myself part of the casino capitalist process?”

Who said it: B.S.

“Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway?”

Who said it: L.D.

“I believe in a society where all people do well, not just a handful of billionaires.”

Who said it: B.S.

“This is a great country, but we have many, many serious problems.”

Who said it: B.S.

“Not a fan of the banks. They trample on the middle class. They control Washington.”

Who said it: L.D.

“We’ve gotta break up the banks.”

Who said it: B.S.

“You gotta break the banks up into little pieces and flush them down the toilet so that you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone and America’s fixed!”

Who said it: L.D.

“Congress doesn’t regulate Wall Street. Wall Street regulates Congress.”

Who said it: B.S.

By the way, I want Wall Street now to help kids in this country go to college, public colleges and universities, free.”

Who said it: B.S.

“And why do they chain all their pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense!”

Who said it: L.D.

“Donald Trump and his billionaire friends, under my policy, are gonna pay a hell of a lot more in taxes today.”

Who said it: B.S.

 “I do not have a super PAC.”

Who said it: B.S.

“I found geese before and I can find them again, they congregate near ponds, it’s not rocket science.”

Who said it: L.D.

“I own one pair of underwear, that’s it. Some of these billionaires, they’ve got three, four pairs. And I don’t have a dryer, I have to put my clothes on the radiator.”

Who said it: L.D.

“Your millionaire and billionaire friends caused this problem.”

Who said it: B.S.

“Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president!”

Who said it: L.D.

“I am the only candidate running for president who is not a billionaire.”

Who said it: B.S.

“Berniesanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess!”

Who said it: L.D.

“You know what I don’t understand America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows? They’re too short.”

Who said it: L.D.

“I think most Americans understand that our country today faces a series of unprecedented crises.”

Who said it: B.S.

 “I mean talk about a ball buster!”

Who said it: L.D.

 “So who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or a guy who has one pair of clean underwear that he dries on the radiator?”

Who said it: L.D.

“Enough about the emails! Let’s talk about the real issues facing America.”

Who said it: B.S.

“For me I’m an outsider, I’m the only candidate up here who’s not a billioniare. I don’t have a super PAC, I don’t even have a backpack, I carry my stuff around loose in my arms, like a professor.”

Who said it: L.D.

“Let me say something that may not be great politics …  And that is that the American people are sick and tired about hearing about your damn emails!

Who said it: Both

 “Bahhh.”

Who said it: Both

“Eh.”

Who said it: Both 

SNL

Saturday Night Live

Bernie Sanders

Larry David

Cold Opening

Democratic Debate

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